Things Donald Trump has Defiled with His Touch (Other Than Theresa)

This week, our ever-trashy tabloids decided that a woman helping an OAP downstairs suggests they’re having an affair. I thought that, having never met each other before, this was baloney. I also thought there was something more important going on about the US banning refugees, but our venerated papers have proved me wrong. May and Trump holding hands have clearly earned the headlines.

Why get caught up in immigration woes when we could tune in to this budding romance? We’re going to make up for this oversight now, by going back to look at all the other momentous Trump-touching moments. Have a look this Friday at all the other things he’s had his tiny mitts on – and see just who Theresa’s romantic rivals really are.

His daughter

Hand holding is for amateurs. Trump’s May game was frankly weak when compared to his touches
with daughter Ivanka. They’ve been practicing from a young age with face stroking, hip grabs and extensive kisses.

Of course I’m all for physical contact and paternal affection: it’s usually a delight to behold. But of course Donald is anything but delightful and has added father-daughter relationships to his list of things to damage forever.
Take a look for yourself: the photos and quotes will have you shuddering till September. (FYI, his daughter is the blonde, his wife the brunette… yeah.)
Notable quotations from Donaldo about Ivanka include “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her” and “I kiss my daughter every chance I get.” Pass the bucket.

Children and Babies

Just look at the host of screaming children. Never mind hand holding, his hands are all over the poor little mites. Given their reactions I can only assume that children are either a) like dogs and can sense evil, b) aware of how he touches his own daughter or c) doing their best impressions of the man himself.

Maybe we should give them some toys to throw out the pram so we can really see the resemblance.

(Oh and FYI, Trump is the screaming, wrinkly-faced one in the middle).

 

The Bible

He appears to have mistaken the Bible for pussy, grabbing it for all he’s got. We suspect this bible sadly remains closed most of the time, given he’s conveniently ignored some of its important teachings.

Verses from  Matthew 25 are particularly pertinent. Something about those that treat others kindly shall be rewarded in heaven, because God is in everyone. Those that don’t go straight to hell. “I was a stranger, and ye took me in” comes with a DT clause: make sure you’re white, christian or come from a country with US oil deals.

A Hot Dog

Remember when hot dogs were an unsullied delight, in the pre-Donald days? Sure he looks like he’s questioning exactly what it is, but remember he’s the man who brought the world the renowned Trump steak. We’d question meat too after tasting one of those.

As no one actually saw him eat this, we can’t confirm what happened to it. If it was lucky, it ended up in the bin. All we know is there’s no denying the delicate pinch round that shiny sausage.

This Actual Dog

I know, we thought the same: for a man who loves gold, a retriever or lab would have been a far better choice. Instead, DT opted for a walking embodiment of his own hair. Perhaps we’ve found the source of his donor?

It’s bad enough looking like a Trump toupee, but to be owned and touched by him adds injury to insult. The haunted look says it all: poor thing never saw his advances coming. A belly tickling Trump is a terrifying thing indeed.

US Laws

Well this won’t be a surprise given everything he’s accomplished in just two weeks. Most of the world think the last thing he should be allowed to get his hands on are rights, laws and the US constitution. But thanks to a minority of the American public, there’s no stopping him now. Goodbye gun control, goodbye multi-ethnicity, goodbye grasp on reality…

A Mask of his Own Face

In all seriousness now, this might be the most convincing argument yet that he wants to hump what he gets his hands on. My guess is, that thing went home with the Donald and what happened behind closed, gilt doors would make hooker pee parties look like a prim garden soiree on the White House lawn.

I guess unlike the rest of the world, that mask definitely saw Donald Trump coming.

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