Shout Out To All The Man-Spreaders On The Tube

This is a shout-out to London’s Underground man-spreader, the not-so-elusive mammal who can skilfully take up three seats on the Tube while sitting in only one of them. At 6ft or more, these man-spreaders are so self-absorbed that will not budge if there are 15 impatient Londoners eyeing up the spreader’s spare two seats. The man-spreaders are as common as ever and they are slowly taking over London’s public transport.

Spreading crime

The Tube man-spreader is perhaps the worst of all man-spreaders. Sadly he doesn’t seem to understand that the London Underground is busy almost ALL the time. Nor does he care for the unspoken rules of Tube travel such as keeping bags off seats, keeping out of people’s way, and having general respect for your fellow travellers.

Nope, the crimes committed by these man-spreaders are much more serious than unwittingly putting your bag on a free seat of a packed Tube. These stand-up gents spread their legs as far apart as humanly possible and sit there triumphantly as if they were the epitomy of tube travel etiquette.

Forget Boris or the price of a pint, the most blatant crime in London is man-spreading. But taking up spare Tube seats isn’t the only act of assholery committed by the man-spreader, as they also like to piss off the poor souls sitting opposite them.

Put it away, fella!

Let’s not beat around the bush – pun intended – the men spreading their legs like this can expose themselves in a way that nobody wants to see during a weary commute from Westminster to Kilburn. When it’s in your face like that, where do you look? How do you recover from the horror?

Whether the man-spreaders of London do it on purpose to show off their “goods” or genuinely don’t realise the atrocity they’re committing will most likely remain a mystery, understood only by the sordid community of man-spreaders.

Gents, let’s just get something straight, there is no plausible reason to spread your legs wide enough to take up half a carriage of an Underground train. Your manhood really isn’t that big!

On the buses

Almost as awful as the Tube spreader is the bus spreader. How on earth do you tell a man-spreader to shut his legs so you can sit beside him on a relatively small bus seat? Just as awful is sitting man-spreader of either the Tube or bus varieties spread their legs so far apart that their leg is actually touching yours. Ugly!

If we know one thing, it’s that Londoners do not like being touched in any way, shape or form on public transport by a stranger. If that stranger is deliberately trying to offend the entirety of London then he can rest assured, with his legs firmly and bizarrely parted, that he’s succeeded.

Yep, everybody in London hates you and your monstrously parted legs. Congratulations. by Ella Neish

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