I don’t know if you’ve heard, guys, but periods are a thing. I know, I know, breaking news, but I reckon you’ll excuse any tongue-in-cheek after reading this story.
Periods are bizarrely not spoken about (thanks patriarchy!) despite 50% of the world having to deal with them at some point. In fact, nigh on everything about female biology is swept under the rug, until of course someone wants to munch on it. Then everyones an amateur gynaecologist.
This lack of interest in the actual workings of women’s bodies has lead to many a ridiculous conversation with grown adults males. I still meet guys that think women pee out their vaginas and end up educating them accordingly. Lets nip that one in the bud, okay?
Men’s misinformation has taken a hilarious step further however in the form of an American chiropractor. He’s come up with the new and never before seen invention designed to deal with periods once and for all. Ladies, I give you the labia lipstick.
Mensez Feminine Lipstick
Unlike the masculine ones, this feminine lipstick (that has yet to be patented, picked up, sold and some may say created) claims to rid the world of tampons and towels for good. The unique make up for your muff has a formula that glues your vagina shut.
Simply apply to the labia minora (that’s the inner lips) and seal your period inside. The magic glue can’t be dissolved by anything – except urine! So when you go to the toilet, you can just pee over your labia, let it all out, reapply and off you go. Of course! How did we not think of it before?
There’s just so much wrong with this that I can’t even begin. That’s before we even get to the bizarre Mensez website, featuring the ominous slogan “Your time has come”. He does know we don’t just bleed to death right? I guess the only way to explain is to dive right in and deal out some period truths.
One
Have you ever glued your skin together? Or had a plaster/bandage on too tight? Recall that painful pulling feeling as it stretched? Now imagine that on your down-belows whenever you walk, sit, stretch or roll over in sleep. Anyone that likes to sleep one leg up, one down is in for a real 2am treat when that literally pulls you back into consciousness.
Two
The urine. First, we don’t pee out vaginas and it wouldn’t be easy nor hygienic to pee practically into them. That’s some bad shit right there. Also, what magical property does urine have that makes it the only fluid that can penetrate the barrier? If I go swimming in a public pool, where there’s going to be urine whether I like it or not, will it be enough to un-seal the ol’ sideways smile?
Three
Gluing body parts together isn’t okay. It’s just not healthy people. Vaginas are famously finicky too. You can’t use soaps or fragrances for fear that it can cause a pH imbalance and an infection. Even the innocuous tampon has been known to kill. I’m fairly certain gluing that diva shut is not a wise idea. She’ll make you pay for it.
Four
Lipstick is notoriously difficult to put on already glossed/wet lips. On the worst days, that lipstick ain’t getting anywhere near outer skin (never mind inner) if there’s nothing to stop the deluge.
Five
How hygienic can a labia lipstick be? Can you clean it? The beauty of moon cups is you can wash them, while tampons and towels get thrown away. Most women expect their lipsticks to last, but not if they’ve been caressing your cooch every couple of hours. There’s something pretty grim about carrying that around for a week or more.
Six
The only time labia ‘seal’ shut is due to some inflammation or condition that no one wants to voluntarily induce. Also, vulvas (the part everyone actually thinks is the vagina) differ vastly from person to person. Some people’s won’t meet in the middle, so can’t form a seal without some injury.
Seven
If sealing the body shut so that neither water nor blood broke through was actually possible, do you not think paramedics, hospitals and armed forces might be the first in line? Because that stuff could save lives instead of knickers. Noble as the cause might be, the wounded deserve first dibs.
Even without all these questions (and more), the man himself has come across pretty reprehensibly. He reportedly replied to naysayers that he’s had to solve the problem rather than women because they’re distracted and unproductive 25% of the time.
Won’t someone please use labia lipstick on this guy’s mouth? I can guarantee there’ll be a queue of people more than willing to help him remove it .
The post The New Labia Lipstick: One Man’s Ludicrous Solution to End the Problem of Periods appeared first on Felix Magazine.
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