Don’t Panic, Men! Read These Last Minute Valentine’s Solutions

Fuck. It’s February. As in, end of the first week of February. Valentine’s Day is but days away (it’s Tuesday by the way), and your problems haven’t even begun. You have probably realised since you are searching this topic that she is going to kill you- and we do mean ‘she’. While this advice is hardly gender-specific, we know that you are most likely one of a whole legion of blokes who thought it was still January and the supermarket banners have just been doing the christmas-style 6 month warning. You were sure you had another month or two.

FEAR NOT. While every hotel and restaurant you had in mind may be booked, and that item of jewellery you found on eBay hasn’t arrived, hope is at hand. These are ideas you can be preparing at 11.59PM on the 13th. Don’t just cover your arse, seize the opportunity to show what your lady really means to you- even if you did balls up slightly.

 

The Minimalist

Make her a fryup in bed that morning. Yes, you have to get up early and that means you can fetch those flowers you got from M&S last night.

Go for a walk after work- along the Thames or in a park. Go home and order a takeaway. It doesn’t have to be Chinese from down the road, Just Eat will have plenty on offer. Or you could just pick up two pizzas en route. It’s not about effort. It’s about spending time together on Valentine’s Day.

Spend the evening watching Netflix- or be old fashioned and buy some DVDs beforehand. Obviously Zombie Nazi Aircrash Shark Survival III will not be her preference.

 

The Maximalist

All the supermarkets have decent champagne on offer- wake her up with homemade salmon blinis or eggs benedict with some crystal flutes of Bollinger. This is all stuff you can get at the Tesco Metro- O the age in which we live! Set up a bluetooth speaker in a corner of the bedroom so just before you walk in with the tray she is awoken by your choice of genuine romantic or slightly cheesy track, depending on your tastes. Bring with you the enormous bouquet which you still bought last night. If you really screw up, Interflora offer same day delivery on orders before 3pm.

See if you can meet her outside her work as she leaves. If you have managed to book a table or a theatre ticket, sweep her into a black cab. If not, return home and leave her on the sofa with chocolates while you prepare a feast. Why not subcontract that to a professional visiting chef?

Stay smart- wear your best suit and dress up a bit. It will emphasise this as a celebration of your love, and may inspire her to put on something more comfortable.

 

The Rebel

If you both have time in the morning, go to Macdonalds or Wetherspoons for breakfast. Not very romantic? Keep hammering the fact that you love her and no amount of false ostentatiousness will do justice to that fact.

If you didn’t get to your choice of cheap’n’cheerful fast food for breakfast, do so for dinner. Secretly, every girl loves a Big Mac, though the more sophisticated may lean towards KFC. This takes a girl with a good sense of humour, happy to disregard Valentine’s Day as a marketing gimmick- based on guilt and a chance to make up for 364 days of being a dick. If she enjoys this contrary stand of fried food and ignorance, you Sir have a ‘keeper’.

Go home and watch crap in bed. Naked, with booze.

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